Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Guilt, Fear and Sadness

I'm sorry for the very down posts this week.  I hope to snap out of it soon.  Losing Samantha has really hurt me.  I am sad.  I am guilty.  I am afraid that maybe I didn't do enough in her life to support her, to love her.  And I'm sad.

In the meantime, I am having trouble having patience with my mom. She is so needy.  I am trying to take care of myself, but she calls me.  It is never enough.  I try to speak to her at least every other day, sometimes every day, sometimes a few times a day.  But no matter what I do, it is never enough.  I came home from class tonight (started my Masters classes!), and she called telling me to call her when I have an hour.  I asked why an hour, and she said she wanted to catch up.  But Mom, I said, I just talked to you yesterday.  What do we have to catch up on?  I am trying to take care of myself, and she is a drain on my energy.  It is awful to say, but I can only do what I can do.  I deserve to have time to myself and not tell her everything I do.  She needs to get her own life.  I can't be her entertainment.  I can't be her only friend.  This is why I am always telling her that I think she should be in a senior living community so she could make new friends.  She doesn't understand that she is using me to fill that spot.  I can't be her best friend right now.  I need to be my own.  But, I'm still guilty.

Brin over at Messy Thrilling Life was talking about this bible passage today.  I am trying to remember this...

Lamentations 3:22-25 (The Message)
22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.

   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.

 25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times.

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