I had a panic attack tonight. I'm not sure I have ever had one before. I've had anxiety before, but suddenly there I was trying to hold myself together, crying jaggedly, talking out loud to myself. It's weird. I'm under a lot of pressure this week, trying to make everyone happy but myself. I'm doing too much this week and now I know I really have to make some changes. During my attack I was telling my Mom that I need her help to get through this. That I can't do this all by myself. That I am afraid I'm not going to be able to do everything I need to do to put her house on the market in one month. That I can't seem to sleep at night. That I can't seem to do anything without her. I miss her so much it hurts sometimes.
Yesterday I was babysitting little K. I haven't had her since before my Mom died. As I sat in my car waiting to pick her up, I realized that I was sitting in my car in the exact spot the last time I talked to my Mom. We had our last conversation as I waited for little K on November 17, 2010. I think my panic attack started at that moment, but I was able to contain it until tonight. Luckily it was relatively quick, and soon I was trying to figure out how to get out of it. I didn't like it one bit, and I was trying to do whatever I could do to end it.
So, here's what I came up with. I hope it helps someone else out there. And I pray I'll be able to sleep tonight.