The Lump in the Bed

Last night as I was tucking in my niece B, we shared a moment. She
had scooted all the way over to the wall, and as I went to tuck the
blanket around her, I remembered a wonderful memory of my mom. I
distinctly remember lying in her bed and her trying to make it around
me. But instead, she would make it with me in it, and then wonder
aloud about all the lumps and bumps. She would poke and prod to get
the lumps out, me giggling underneath.

Last night, B and I played the same game. She was tickled to be
thought a lump in the bed, and each time I flung back the covers to
find her there, she said, "Do that again!" She didn't make a sound as
the lump, and her eyes were bright with mischief. I told her how my
mom had played this game with me, and she asked, "Did you play the
lump with your mom?" My niece will never truly know my mom. She
passed when she was too little to have very many memories. But she
will know some of the stories that include my mom, experience them
through me, and make new memories with my mom that way.

After I had tucked B in for the last time, she asked me to lie with
her and pretend to go to sleep. We snored loudly, and closed our
eyes, each checking to be sure the other's eyes were closed. Soon, B
really was asleep and I snuck out. I am so grateful to have these
girls in my life. The everyday family moments they include me in are
warm and intimate. My nieces bring such joy and love, and my
connections with them sustain me in my everyday.

Below, an example of "Teamwork". A was helping B to color in all of
her acorns. :)

Visits

Do you believe in ghosts? This is not a paranormal discussion. But I'm wondering a little bit. In the rush to pack up my house this week I almost threw away a very sentimental ring of my Mom's. It was her mom's ring and it's got great filagree. Now I wear it almost every day. And I think of my Mom.

Last night I had a dream that I had thrown away Mom's ring. I could picture it on the corner of this little bookcase. This little bookcase was sitting by my front door waiting to go to the trash heap, after having been beaten up over the years. In my dream I remember thinking "No, I put Mom's ring in the dish in the bathroom like I always do." But something or someone knew me better than that.

When I woke up this morning I was startled to find that my hand was bare. I've lost about 20 pounds in the last three months, and lately the ring has been flipping around in my hand, a little bit uncomfortable. So I've started to take it off before I go to bed. I always put it in this one dish in the bathroom.

I went to get my ring this morning, thinking about that dream, and it wasn't there. I looked under the dish, on the floor under the dash, next to the dish. Nothing. My heart rate went up. How could that be, where was the ring? I even called my work to see if maybe the list and found had found it. But no luck.

Then I remembered the dream. I thought "There is no way I would've put the ring on that bookcase, and especially not moving it to the front door. I would've noticed it or it would've fallen off."

Well, I checked it anyway. On one corner of the bookcase, stuck in a little groove, there was the ring.

All I could think of this morning was "Mom, is that you?" Were you keeping an eye on me? An eye on the ring? I know it's one of your favorites. That's why it's one of my favorites now.

I hope it was you telling me to look in the bookcase. I miss you and I wish you would come visit more often. In the meantime I'll take these little visits in my dreams.

Home hunting!

I've been home hunting for the past few months. When I say home, I mean my new apartment. I'm not quite ready to have a mortgage. But I do want to space I can call my own. A couple of weeks ago I wrote down everything I wanted in an apartment and put it out there into the universe. Well wouldn't you know, last week the apartment I've been waiting for popped up. It's not 100% perfect by any means but I think I can make a really nice home there for the next few years.

I put in an application and I have every reason to expect that it will be accepted. I went to an open house on Thursday night and liked it enough that I filled out the application that night. Now we are in the credit check phase. But in the meantime. I'm starting to pack up here at home.

Last week or so I think I posted about "cleaning house." well now it's official. I'm cleaning house and purging everything I can. I want everything around me to bring me some sort of joy. And unfortunately this house has become a place where I don't like to come home to. It's too small and there's too much.

Even If I end up in a different apartment that I've chosen, I know that it is time to move on and it is time to let go.

What does letting go mean for me?
It means getting rid of the clothes that I have been holding onto, waiting to get to a new lesser size than I am now. I'm realizing that carrying these things around with me is just increasing my guilt factor which is not productive or helpful. When I get to my new size, I'm not going to want these clothes. Because these clothes are part of my past, not a part of my future. I'm keeping a few sentimental favorites that I do hope to be able to fit back into, but the majority of it is going. I'm saving a few things my mom bought me. Not because I like the clothes, although I do, it's because I remember. I have the memory of shopping with her. I have a couple of those memories that I like holding onto.

It means letting go of paper and tchotchkes. I want my new apartment to be free of clutter, and an empty space waiting to be filled. Filled with life, not with stuff.

Wish me luck! How about you? Are you in a letting go phase also?

What is Missing?

I wake up today and think,
what is missing?
My mother's voice.
Her smell.
My responsibility.
The sadness over losing her is still there,
but a new question emerges instead.
What do you want to do today?
It's been so long
my dreams suppressed
my hopes hidden.
Time to dig them out again,
dust them off,
and see what still shines.

This is a hard day for me.  One year ago, we were making the decision to end life-extending care for my Mom, with nothing to feel thankful on that day.  This year has passed quickly as I handled cleaning up and sorting out all the bits of my her life.  I am grateful that work is done.  Grateful to have a chance to focus again on my own life.  Some of my friends are facing sad or dramatic things right now, and I wish I could make it better for them, yet today I am so thankful that for once, my life is o.k.

I've been thinking that the next year could start now.  I don't have to wait until January 1st.  I could start on Monday, the day after my Mom's anniversary.  There are so many things I want for my life that I've been keeping quiet, allowing instead the drama of care-taking to take over.  That is gone now.  Nothing is holding me back now.

I am grateful for all of my friends and family, near and far.  Those that have passed on will always be in my heart.  I hope you have a truly beautiful Thanksgiving.

What are you grateful for today?

Closing

We closed on the house yesterday.  I can no longer go into my Mom's house.  I went very quickly over to say goodbye to it on Thursday, but I was rushed.  And I realized that there was no way to say goodbye to all my memories there.  I lived there for 19ish years, off and on, and then took care of my Mom there for 20 years after that. 

There are sad memories of her last days there, and happy memories from my whole life. 

Playing forts in the living room, tetherball in the backyard, the large swing my dad hung from two huge trees just made for the purpose, making spritz with Mom at Christmas, many family parties hung with the scent of Glogg, American chop suey in our orange kitchen, sneaking in the back bathroom window when I forgot my key, smoking cigarettes on the sandbox, tag and hide and seek in the neighborhood, sharing a room with my sister, ruining the carpet in my bedroom with nail polish, sliding down the front stairs in our pj's. 

So many thoughts that I am going to try to hold onto.  It's just a container for all those memories, but I've packed them up now in my mind.  Goodbye house. 

 

Change Are Afoot! Both Sides Now.

Changes are afoot.  We've got both sides of the coin happening, and it seems like everything is happening at once.


A sad note, my Granpa Jake passed away a few days ago.  I had planned to go visit him on Saturday as he had been fighting an infection and things were not looking good.  But, I got the call bright and early Friday morning that he had passed.  To heaven, I am sure.  He was a dear man to me in so many ways.  I will forever remember his rib-cracking hugs, his huge hands, his razor-shaved head that he washed with a wash-cloth, and his "I love all my family."  I miss you so much Granpa.  The only thing that makes me feel better is that now you are with my Mom, your daughter, and she is not alone anymore.  I hope she met you at the pearly gates.

From Pinterest (my new favorite toy). http://pinterest.com/pin/19178462/ See me there at bostongirlverge.

On a good note, I got a great contract job working at a huge biotech firm redesigning their Global Mobility programs.  I'm psyched about it, as this is the part of my old job that I enjoyed the most.  My new job starts on Monday, so I am busy this week trying to find clothes, get in for my drug test (do all companies do this now?), and get in my last bits of summer!  I am finding that I wished I had taken more advantage of all my time off up to now!

Another great note, we accepted an offer for my Mom's house.  It is much lower than it should be, but after going back & forth trying to get more money out of us and them, we have decided to accept.  It is time for me to be able to move on from that house, and focus on my own stuff.  Hope for smooth selling process - I've heard some nightmare stories!

A busy week ahead, but I'll be in touch! :)

101 and still kicking it...

So, what's happening in your world?  I'm just back from seeing my 101 year old Granpa Jake down in RI.  I've told you about him before.  My worst fear happened today.  He didn't know who I or my sister was, although he promised me recently that he would never forget me.  I hadn't seen him since before my Mom died in November, and though he knew me then, he didn't know me today.  

It was strange talking with him today, because his facts and memories about everyone were mixed up.  He would mention one of my cousins, but give them the wrong name and match them with the wrong state, or the wrong occupation, or perhaps the wrong parent.  It's as if all the facts are a big jumble in his head.  I know, what should I expect from a 101 year old?!

He knew that someone was with him, though, and asked us to stay a little longer.  Unfortunately he doesn't get a lot of visitors, so I think he just liked the company.  That made me both happy and sad for him.  I hope he is not too lonely.  He has given all of us the chance to lead our own lives, and I hope he knows how much he is loved.  I brought a voice recorder and left it on for the entire time we visited.  One thing I wish I had more of is my Mom's voice.  So, I wanted to capture Jake "on tape" to be able to listen to always.  I'll load it soon, and maybe share a bit with you all here. I kept trying to ask him questions that would prompt him to tell a story.  There are so many things we don't know about his life.  My sister and I were really sad to leave him, but he told us over and over again that he was happy in this facility.  As we were leaving I said "I love you Granpa", and he said, as always, "I love all my family."  Maybe somewhere in there he knew that we were related.  I hope so.  I want him to know that his family cares about him.

Mom's Day

I've been dreading today a little, and realized today that I didn't need to make today a sad day in order to remember Mom. 

Instead, I am thinking about the happy things we did, the things I remember and want to remember about her.

Things like:

• Spritz cookies at Christmastime.  This will always be my embedded memory of her and I.  Cooking together in our small orange (yes, 70's orange) kitchen, mushing together soft butter, sugars, eggs, almond extract, and flour.   (To this day, almond flavoring and/or Amaretto are still my favorite smells and bring me right back there.)
• Other food memories:  American chop suey, Norwegian Apple Pie, Chicken with Apples and Raisins (in a wonderful wine sauce), Glogg, her Blondies brownies (modified from yellow cake mix).  I have found some of these recipes, but others I need to hunt more through her papers.  I know they are there somewhere!
• Many deli lunches together at Joan & Ed's Jewish Deli.
• Shopping together at Christmas Tree Shops or other dangerous places like Target and Walmart.
• Road trips to Point Judith, RI, Marblehead, MA.
• Clam cakes at Aunt Carrie's and running into relatives there.
• A shared love of photography.
• Her love for her grandchildren (near and far).
• Her love for her extended family of relatives and friends.
• Her unending support of me and my dreams.
• I know she loved me and had my best interest at heart even though I sometimes felt otherwise.

I went down to visit her at the cemetery on Thursday, and we couldn't find her grave.  It was morbidly funny, and we had to get the cemetery director to come show us her plot.  Her headstone is not yet in place, so I left flowers and a card for her on the grass at her grave. It was a tough moment, but the rain kept me from dwelling too long.  I hope to go back on a sunny day and plant something when her stone is in place.

I love you Mom.  Happy Mothers Day.  I hope you are walking on the beach somewhere, picking up shells and stones, and enjoying the sun on your back as you go. I'll be thinking of you all day, with a smile on my face.

I can see the light, the light, the light...

I can see the light, the light, the light!  Ok, maybe not quite yet, but so close!  I've spent the last 5 days working at my Mom's house, packing and sorting.  I might actually be able to spend my weekend coming up doing something fun rather than at the house.  I'm not sure what I'll do with my time although anything would be better! 

Today my brother and I were brutal on what we were keeping, what we weren't from the pile of furniture and collectibles I had packed up.  So many things I had thought that I wanted.  But today, I am so tired.  So ready to be done with this whole house thing, my care factor was so below my norm.  I decided at the last minute to let more of her furniture go and more of her art collectibles.  And I'll be honest, it feels good.

Tomorrow, the movers come to bring things to storage, and Wednesday the junkers come to empty the house and garage of anything that's left.  I can't believe we are to this point.  I started to have a few weepy moments today, but I think it's more about overwhelm than truly being sad.  But sure, it is very sad to almost be done with cleaning up my mother's life. 

One of things I've realized in all of this is that I can't keep everything.  And, the things I really want to keep and look at again are the family photos and documents that fill up more than half of our boxes.  I've found some great photos of my siblings and I, as well as some great photos of my parents when they were dating in college, as well as when they were married and happy.  I don't remember them that way, so it's been kind of fun to see them in a new light. 

I signed the listing agreement today, so hopefully by Easter Massachusetts will have one more house on the market and available! 

I hope I've done your things and your life justice Mom!  Love you!

Plum Crazy

What happens when suddenly you're working 40 hours a week again, and trying to clean out your deceased mother's house and get it on the market at the same time?  You guessed it.  Run down city.  The germs saw me coming a mile away.  I've had the flu.  It lasted almost a week, and then the sinus infection set in, right down to temperatures of 104.7 for 4 days!  I had many an interesting hallucination, and was sure that I was about to boil away.  I couldn't move, could barely talk, and cried for many days for my mother.  Isn't it funny that no matter how grown up we are, we still want our Mommy's when we are sad or sick.  And I was both.  I have a photo of her in my bedroom, and I talked to her a lot while I was sick.  About how I wanted to die, but didn't really want to.  But how I thought that maybe I would feel better.  I will never again make fun of a healthy person for getting a flu shot.  I will always get one from now on.  Now that I know how bad it can be, I won't put myself in that position again. 


Now that I'm back on my feet, I'm back to my schedule of working and cleaning out Mom's house.  But in the meantime, I've been able to get out to shoot a few times and a few weeks ago the beach was calling.  A couple of weeks ago, I went up to Plum Island and Newburyport with my photo friend Karen.  It was an unbelievably cold and windy day, but with gorgeous blue skies and sunlight.  We bundled up in scarves, mittens and hats (not enough for me), and braced ourselves against the wind.  It was beautiful and invigorating, and so many things begged to be captured that day.  With all of the emotions of grieving and emptying my Mom's house, I welcomed the beauty and cold.

My friends are coming this weekend to help me continue to pack up things at Mom's.  Yesterday, all of the furniture and household goods that we didn't want to keep went to a donation house.  The house is not empty by any means, but watching my childhood dining table, the one we had many family dinners and parties at, was packed up into a truck driving away from me.  I watched out the window as they locked the doors and drove away, crying to see my life, my Mom's life, moving away from me. 

There are pieces I'm keeping because I can't bear to part with them yet.  A Lane chest that carried all of our family linens and lace.  My Mom's cherry dresser and mirror that housed all of her costume jewelry and scarves.  The ones that I am treasuring now, and try to wear at least once a week.  Somehow these pieces make me feel closer to her.  In packing up the last of her clothes yesterday, there were just a few that I swear still smell like her.  I couldn't let them go.  I don't yet know what I'll do with them, but in the meantime, I feel like I've saved just a little of her. 

I couldn't save her life, but I will try to save some of my memories.

90 days out

I've been cleaning out my mother's house for the past few weeks, in between working part-time in the city and babysitting my nieces.  It was so nice to get back into Boston as I now live in a suburb that acts like a very small town.  I've been taking the bus to Oak Grove station, and it's full of people riding in for various corporate jobs in the city.  It's been so long since I've been part of a morning commute as I'm used to working from home!  Getting up early, dressing in corporate attire, and grabbing my coffee to go makes me feel like a real working girl again.

In the meantime, I've been working my way through 45 years of my mother's acquisitions at her house.  I spent the weekend there packing.  I'm trying not to get too stuck in the sorting mode.  There are things I want, or know my siblings may want, but none of us have a place to store it for now.  Then there are those things we know should go right into the dumpster I've got waiting in the driveway.  Then, there are those things that should be sold or donated.  Of course, a lot of these groupings overlap.  I'm fighting my mother's voice in my head telling me "don't throw that away, I found it in a great little boutique in Jerusalem", or "you might want to show your children that someday", or giving me other pause before I put in the donation pile. But, I know I can't take everything of hers to remember her by.  I can't get lost in her life and lose my own. 

After 45 years of collecting paper, collectibles, etc., I feel like I am barely making a dent though I've spent many hours already.  A long way to go yet, but I feel like there is something better waiting on the horizon.

Today is also the 90th day or 3 months anniversary of her death.  I've been tired and emotional and sad for the past few days, and today is no exception.  I have friends who have lost their parents, and they tell me that these anniversary days will sneak up on me.  I was surprised to see the 27th on my calendar today.  But I know my Mom was there with me every step of the way today. 

Hey Mom?  I could use some help deciding which realtor to choose.  Instead of whispering the memories, could you send me a little instinct?  :)  Love you.

The Number You've Reached is No Longer in Service

"The Number You've Reached is No Longer in Service". Those are the perhaps the most hurtful words I've ever heard.

I disconnected my mother's phones this week.  One of them was the home phone number that has been her number for 42 years. It was my home number for 25 years.  I called it tonight to see if I could record her outgoing voice message to my computer before I lost her voice forever.  But I was too late.  The phone company is too efficient at disconnection.  It's surprising how efficient they were about this.

But now, I have only a message from my Mom about a week before I found her on the floor.  I listened to my voicemail tonight, and it is the only saved message  have.  She sounds chipper, telling me to call her back, how long she'll stay up, and that she loves me.  It's the last time I heard her say "I love you".  I did record that message to my computer so at least I can relax about ever losing it.  One little thing I can relax about.

In between my living hours, there are grieving minutes and seconds.  Seconds where something reminds me of her, or something that I wanted to do with her.  Today there was a Hallmark commercial for a book that you record for your children to read when you're not there.  It was something I wanted my Mom to do for my nieces, but I never got the chance to tell her about it or buy one for her.  She would have loved the idea as she wanted to be more in their lives.  I started crying of course, thinking that again, there is another chance to hear my Mom's voice again, and it is lost.  Then my friend P called in the middle of my crying jag.  She listened with such empathy after losing her mom just two years ago.  She knows everything I am going through, and still continues the grieving process today.

I really hope that someday I'll be able to see her again someday.  To hold her, to talk to her, to hear her voice, to tell her how much I love her.  I miss you, Mom.  I miss you so much.  One of the last things you said to me in your sick haze was “It’s not your fault Jeanne”.  I am trying to hang on to that, but it is so hard.  I wish we had done video recording or voice recordings where you told me more stories about your life, the good and the bad.  I don’t know enough about the good things in your life.  I wish I had thought to ask more questions and spend more time with you this last year.  I wish I had known.  I wish I wasn’t so angry and hadn’t pushed you away.  I will never have that time back with you.  I wish that you would come to me and talk to me again.  I want you back in my life.  I love you Mommy.  Always.

Hiding in the Cloudy Shadows

I've been running on adrenaline for the past weeks since my Mom passed away.  Today was the first day that I haven't had to worry about estate issues, funeral payments, or finishing up a paper for school.  I finished my last paper for the semester yesterday, and I am ignoring the rest of my responsibilities. 

I started out with such good intentions, and was even somewhat productive.   I had to go to  CVS this afternoon to get some holiday cards.  It was full of mothers and children. The mothers were herding their children through the aisles and holding the littlest ones by the hand.

Every time someone mentions their parent or says "I love you" to their parent in front of me, I want to wrack with sobs.  It was just too much.  This afternoon I found myself back in bed, curled up tight in my down comforter, snoozing through the pain.  I was grateful to wake up again to the dark.



Time is passing without any notice to me.  I hope that someday I can look forward again. 

Dreaming

I've been thinking a lot about things that I want for my life.  Maybe it's because I realize that my Mom had many things she wanted to do but didn't have the opportunity or the stamina to get them done.  So, I've been dreaming. 

There are big dreams and little dreams, but they are all important.  I've found that writing down my dreams and posting them in my house works best for me.  If I see my dreams front of me, I am more likely to remember to put things in place to achieve them. 

Back in 2000, I started dreaming about taking a Polar Bear Photo Safari.  I created a vision wall, and plastered it with pictures of polar bears, tundra buggies, etc.  And the saving started.  In 2007, I achieved my dream and went on an amazing trip to outside of Churchill, Manitoba to photograph Polar Bear in their home. If you want information about my guides, drop me a line and I'll be happy to share.

I've got new dreams now, and I want to help them to come true.  I am sharing my new Dream List with you in an effort to get them out into the universe. 

This list is by no means finished, but thought it would be fun to share.  I'm going to post it on my bathroom mirror, in my front hall, in my bedroom.

Are there things you want for your life?  Claim them!  Create a list for yourself, and share your link here!  Or, just share one wish in the comments.  I'd love to hear it!

I'm Being Santa'd

After a long day of talking to estate attorneys and life insurance companies, I opened my mailbox to find that I am being Santa'd.  I don't know how, or who.  But all the return postmarks say "Santa".

I am crying because whoever set this up, I want you to know how much I appreciate it.

In my mail today there was a little notepad that says "Chocolate is the answer - who cares what the question is!" My sentiments exactly.  I bought a bucket load of chocolate today to make my Peppermint Bark for Christmas this year.  Maybe I should just break into the chocolate myself...

And then there was my favorite, absolute favorite print from Mae Chevrette's collection.  I hope she won't mind me sharing the image here.

I didn't tell everyone this, but one of the last things my Mom said to us in the hospital was that she was on the most beautiful, serene beach in the world.  She said was so happy, picking up rocks.  And that that was where we could find her, or look for her whenever we needed her.  We talked to her a lot in those last few days while she was unconscious about that beach, and how we hoped she was sitting in the sun, with the feel of the sand in her toes, the ocean crashing over the jetties.  I've been trying to remember that vision in my head, and then this print came along.  I love it, and it will help me to remember where to look for her.  I'm crying again.  But thank you, thank you, thank you.


Here's the link to Mae's Etsy shop.

Thank you all of you for taking such good care of me.  I am feeling very loved and supported.  If any elves want to say hello, feel free to drop me a line so I can thank you properly.

I'm off to turn on my tree lights and listen to some holiday music.

You Are So Beautiful

You are so beautiful, Mom.
We sent you off on Friday to your final resting place.  I didn't want to leave you there, all alone.
I hope you know that I think about you every other second of every day.  I wish that I had more time with you Mom. I'm eating baby food (literally) as a remembrance of you for today's lunch.  We would share some when I was little and not feeling well.  I am not well, but trying to push on.

Friday was Mom's funeral.  It was sad and beautiful and heartwarming all in one.  So many friends near and far, new and old came to say goodbye.  Somehow my brother and I both managed to speak, my brother giving her an amazing eulogy, and I pushed my way through Psalm 57.  I almost lost it a few times, but for her I would do anything.

I'm eating little and wanting to sleep lots, but school is wrapping up for the semester at the same time.  So, I am holding it all in as best I can, and pushing through to hopefully finish my classes this semester.  I can't wait until the 21st, when I know I will crash and finally be truly able to grieve.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, and of course your patience.  I hope to be able to be back to myself to soon.  In the meantime, if any of you have a book on grief that you would recommend, I would appreciate any suggestions.

I missed you the first moment you left

Tomorrow I will bury my mother.  It is unbelievable, and yet somehow, I am ready.  We have been prepping for the service & reception all week, and at this point I need to step back and let her go.  I spent the past few days looking through photo albums, finding very old photos of her, of us as a family, and creating new albums for the memorial.  She was an amazingly beautiful woman.  I always thought she looked like a young Grace Kelly.  Gorgeous porcelain skin, high cheekbones.  I'll post a photo later after the service.  I have her ashes in my dining room right now, amongst the photo albums and boxes of her photography.  I picked out a card to write her tonight at CVS, and it is probably the last one I will buy her.  It is a photo of a little girl with a phone in her hand.  I almost started crying in the aisle.  I will always want to call her to check on her, to share good news or a new recipe.  This experience has been one of the hardest I have ever gone through, from the actual process of death to the planning and arrangements and coordination that have to take place.  I am ready for a rest.  Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found her on the floor, and a rest is in order.  Please send good vibes tomorrow.  I can use all the help I can get.

Find Some Peace

My mom passed away last night.  I didn't understand before this experience how hard a process it is.  I am staying with my family for a few days so that I won't be alone.  My nieces are giving me lots of hugs and it is like a balm on my broken heart.  Thank God for family and friends.

I'll be back when I can breathe again.  Thanks for your understanding.

Always and Forever

My mom is hanging on, but we have decided to stop anything but comfort measures.  The morphine she is on at first made her feel like she was floating in the waters of Narragansett Bay.  She said she was very serene and very happy.  Somewhat unfortunately now she is awake, restless and ordering us around.  "Before you get too comfortable, can I have a little water?  Can I have a napkin?  Can I have some ice cream?  I want some cranberry sauce.  Why are you treating me like a child?  Give me what I want."  Of course, we can't deny her anything now.  I had to make all of the horrible phone calls to her family.   They say that people about to pass usually have some moments of lucidity.  She has it in spades, and we are grateful.  In the meantime, we wait, we chat with her, we listen to her rambling stories and are grateful.  I love you Mom.  Always.

Reflections

Just a recent photo from this fall that I wanted to share. 

I'm sitting here keeping vigil in my Mom's hospital room.  It's 11pm, and after a very emotional family meeting, my brother and I just don't feel like leaving her tonight.

My brother has just left, and I'm going to stay a few more hours.  It's really for our sake, not hers, as she is resting comfortably right now.  I'm glad for it.  She needs the rest to have a chance of fighting the battle she will have to fight in the next few days.  We hope and pray that she will be up for it, but we are prepared for the worst as well.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I had hoped to be sharing my Mom's Cardamom rolls recipe tonight with you.  Since we've been in the hospital all week I haven't had the energy, will or time to bake and photograph.  But as it one of my favorite holiday recipes, I guess it will have to be a Christmas share instead. 

In the meantime, here are a few similar recipes I've found around the web:
Swedish Cardamom Rolls from Epicurious (very similar to my Mom's)
Jenna's Sweet Cardamom Rolls from Eat, Live, Run
One from Project Foodie

We're hoping to get out for an hour or so tomorrow, perhaps to my fathers (about an hour away), or even to a friend's house (more nearby).  My friends have been wonderful in checking in several times a day.  My best friend P sat with me for many hours while I waited a few days for my siblings to come in from around the country.  Then K took over, even staying overnight with me so I wouldn't be alone.  These are the times that I wish I had a partner, a husband, etc. to lean on for support.  Instead I am relying on my friends' kindness and generosity to get me through.

So, besides being thankful that my Mom is here for another day, I am thankful for my wonderful friends.  I hope that on this day of Thanksgiving, you too are surrounded by your loved ones.


Happy Thanksgiving to you.  I am grateful for so many things, and you are one of them.