Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I am... what? What am I feeling? I am ignoring my mother because she is in hospital and although the physical therapists and doctors have told her she is not safe to go home, she is refusing their advice. What does that mean? That means I will have to drive her home tomorrow and hope to God that she doesn't fall down and die because of her stupid decisions. The doctor is calling her competent. Competent but agrees that she is not making smart decisions. So, we have notified the state that she is an Elder At Risk going home against medical advice. She was told that, and said..."Sounds good to me." No problem.

I am so infuriated because she is being so selfish. Her greatest fear in life is to be in a nursing home, but everything she is doing right now (not taking care of herself, spending the money to have aides, making unsafe decisions) is going to land her right there. I cannot have a life and take care of her. I will not let her life become my life.

There are some people who think I am being selfish for not going and living with her, but she is a manipulative woman who is creating every bit of these dramatics so that she has something to do. I try to keep telling her that if she let us find her a nice assisted living she would have friends to play bridge with, to have tea with, book groups, etc. Instead she is a living a half-life isolated in a house too big for her where she can't go up or down stairs and is sleeping in the living room with a door taken off the downstairs bathroom so she can get in there with her walker. I go there and her bed is not even made or even has a sheet on it. It makes me so sad to see her living this life. I am ignoring my mother as she sits in a hospital bed all alone because I am too angry and sad to deal with it.

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