Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Mai Tai Anyone?

Sometimes I feel like an island. On this island, I am the only one
going through what I'm going through, and no one can get to me. They
can't get to me both because I've put myself on this island, and
separated myself from them. People try to swim out to me, but the
obstacles I put in their way stop them from being able to help.

When I am stressed I feel like I shut down. I don't like talking
about what's really going on because it feels overwhelming. I turn
the radio to talk radio because music seems to not drown out my fear
quite enough. The "talk" on the radio at least seems to be
stimulating enough to take my brain away from my current "fear mantra"
running in my head. I'm not sleeping. My stomach is in knots and
upset. I am weepy and fatigued.

Feeling the fear scares me. But, not dealing with it means I can feel
the fear crawling right through my bloodstream, my heart rate is
accelerated and my mind is scattered.

The cause of my current fear is an imminent deadline, and the fear is
really about failure. What if it doesn't work the way it's supposed
to? What if I don't know everything I don't know? What if I fail?

I'd love any insight you have to turn the fear monster off. In the
meantime, I'll be sitting on my island. Maybe I can find a waiter
with a mai tai...

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