Look Forward with Hope

Hope is a friend that I've been missing recently.  Hope moved out of my life when I had trouble finding work, when Mom was sick, and of course, when Mom died.  Hope is a fickle friend.  She visits occasionally, gets me all psyched up for something, and then leaves as quickly as she came. 

But today, Hope is visiting and she seems to be lingering.  I've created a quick Hope meditation for you to use. (see download below).  I'll be back with more in New Year. 

Sending you hope, peace and love for the New Year!

Hope meditation (click once to play, or just right click to download to your computer)

Snug as a Bug

I had a very nice Christmas with my family. A wonderful Christmas Eve day lunch at my Dad’s in Duxbury, complete with a spinach quiche and chocolate crinkle cookies made by my stepmom, Ronnie. Christmas Eve I stayed at my sister’s house, and the adults were up until about 3am assembling all of the gifts for the nieces and nephews from Santa. There were lacrosse nets to build, playhouses to assemble, and baby strollers to put together. A very long night with little sleep for all of us, but Christmas Day was worth it. The girls came down in their elfin pajamas and delighted with TS at the bounty to befall them. Santa was very good to my family: a drum set, doll high chairs, new baby dolls, and Kinect video games. I want a Kinect!

My BIL made a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner for us since we missed the real one this year. I thought about my mom a lot yesterday, how she would love to see the kids running around in their pjs and happily playing with their new toys. It was a very nice day, and I got to hold a new cousin (River is 11 weeks old!)

How sweet is he? I’ve got the Christmas lights on. I feel very snug and warm here inside. Makes me wonder about those that don’t have everything I have. I am very grateful for the bounty that is my life.

On my stove today making the house smell delicious is some Swedish Glogg (red wine mulled with sliced oranges, sliced lemons, cinnamon sticks, cloves and dried cranberries) as well as some Cardamom Bread that is now rising. That will be in the oven in an hour or so!

Santa was amazingly generous to me this year. I had a very full stocking thanks to my family Santa, as well as my Santa friends. I am stunned by everyone’s giving spirit. I feel very loved. I hope you are warm and toasty and feeling the love yourself. I’ll be back later with pictures to share.

I've been saving my stocking presents in the mail since Monday, so now I've got about 4 different packages to open tomorrow morning with my family.  We're not exchanging presents within the family this year except for the kids, so it will be fun to have something to open while everyone else is doing stockings!  Thank you so much for filling my stocking!  I can't wait to see what's in those packages!

Yesterday was a rough day.  Why is this so difficult?  I know, I know, it's meant to be difficult, but I keep wishing for it to be less so. But, I'm taking care of myself and saying "no" when I need to take care of myself. 

I wish for you all a very Merry Christmas if you celebrate, and a very Happy Holidays to all.  I'll be offline enjoying my nieces this weekend, and back next week.

Best to you all.

Hiding in the Cloudy Shadows

I've been running on adrenaline for the past weeks since my Mom passed away.  Today was the first day that I haven't had to worry about estate issues, funeral payments, or finishing up a paper for school.  I finished my last paper for the semester yesterday, and I am ignoring the rest of my responsibilities. 

I started out with such good intentions, and was even somewhat productive.   I had to go to  CVS this afternoon to get some holiday cards.  It was full of mothers and children. The mothers were herding their children through the aisles and holding the littlest ones by the hand.

Every time someone mentions their parent or says "I love you" to their parent in front of me, I want to wrack with sobs.  It was just too much.  This afternoon I found myself back in bed, curled up tight in my down comforter, snoozing through the pain.  I was grateful to wake up again to the dark.



Time is passing without any notice to me.  I hope that someday I can look forward again. 

My Stocking is Growing

I may have told some of you that I wasn't going to have a stocking this year because my Mom usually filled it. 

I went to her house this week to look for it along with other paperwork, but couldn't find it.  Boo.  :(  Mom, where did you hide it?

In the meantime however, my "mail stocking" is growing.  I should probably have put all of these into a box and waited to open them until Christmas, but that's not how I roll...

Today I received: 

• some Yummy Decaf Chai (how did you know I had run out?), 
• Taza Mexican Chocolates (chili is my favorite!),
• Bags of Liquor-filled Chocolates (much classier than a flask), 
• a Beautiful bottle opener for my keychain (I'm serious, it's beautiful), 

and oh yes, 

• A magnet from my other favorite artist, Curly Girl.

Indeed, I am feeling the love.  Amen.

Dreaming

I've been thinking a lot about things that I want for my life.  Maybe it's because I realize that my Mom had many things she wanted to do but didn't have the opportunity or the stamina to get them done.  So, I've been dreaming. 

There are big dreams and little dreams, but they are all important.  I've found that writing down my dreams and posting them in my house works best for me.  If I see my dreams front of me, I am more likely to remember to put things in place to achieve them. 

Back in 2000, I started dreaming about taking a Polar Bear Photo Safari.  I created a vision wall, and plastered it with pictures of polar bears, tundra buggies, etc.  And the saving started.  In 2007, I achieved my dream and went on an amazing trip to outside of Churchill, Manitoba to photograph Polar Bear in their home. If you want information about my guides, drop me a line and I'll be happy to share.

I've got new dreams now, and I want to help them to come true.  I am sharing my new Dream List with you in an effort to get them out into the universe. 

This list is by no means finished, but thought it would be fun to share.  I'm going to post it on my bathroom mirror, in my front hall, in my bedroom.

Are there things you want for your life?  Claim them!  Create a list for yourself, and share your link here!  Or, just share one wish in the comments.  I'd love to hear it!

Weekend in review

I spent the morning at the Boston Holiday Pops at Symphony Hall yesterday.  I was invited by KK and family, and got to sit with the kids in the front row!  Okay, it was the front row of the balcony, but they were still great seats! :) 

For dinner, CC and KL and I went to Fugakyu for our Holiday dinner.  It's Japanese and wonderful.  It has been a while since we've been together, so it was terrific to be able to spend some quality time.  This is us from sometime last year!  :)

This weekend I also received a wonderful handwritten letter in the mail from Santa.  It was 3 pages long, longer than most emails that I get these days. It was very personal, so I'm not going to share it here, but I will say that I appreciate the heartfelt words very much.  I'm sure I will read it again in the year to come.

I'll be back later today with a brand new post!

Magic

I've been trying to think about who my Santa could be.  Someone to whom I mentioned that this would be my first Christmas without my Mom to fill my stocking?  Someone that reads my blog and wanted to do something nice for me?  Someone that loves me?

And then I thought again.
Why do you need to know? 
Why kill the Magic?
Santa is visiting you. 
What wonderful Magic that is. 
It doesn't matter who did it. 
Santa is visiting you and bringing you joy in this time of sadness. 
I am in awe of the Magic that brings these treasures my way.
And it has opened my eyes to other forms of Magic happening all around me.

I look forward to the Magic of seeing my nieces and nephews on Christmas morning, and the joy their laughter and smiles will bring.
I look forward to the Magic of welcoming two new souls into our friend family.  I get to be Auntie Jeanne to two baby girls again.  I can't wait until January.

All Magic is Welcome Here!

I'm Being Santa'd

After a long day of talking to estate attorneys and life insurance companies, I opened my mailbox to find that I am being Santa'd.  I don't know how, or who.  But all the return postmarks say "Santa".

I am crying because whoever set this up, I want you to know how much I appreciate it.

In my mail today there was a little notepad that says "Chocolate is the answer - who cares what the question is!" My sentiments exactly.  I bought a bucket load of chocolate today to make my Peppermint Bark for Christmas this year.  Maybe I should just break into the chocolate myself...

And then there was my favorite, absolute favorite print from Mae Chevrette's collection.  I hope she won't mind me sharing the image here.

I didn't tell everyone this, but one of the last things my Mom said to us in the hospital was that she was on the most beautiful, serene beach in the world.  She said was so happy, picking up rocks.  And that that was where we could find her, or look for her whenever we needed her.  We talked to her a lot in those last few days while she was unconscious about that beach, and how we hoped she was sitting in the sun, with the feel of the sand in her toes, the ocean crashing over the jetties.  I've been trying to remember that vision in my head, and then this print came along.  I love it, and it will help me to remember where to look for her.  I'm crying again.  But thank you, thank you, thank you.


Here's the link to Mae's Etsy shop.

Thank you all of you for taking such good care of me.  I am feeling very loved and supported.  If any elves want to say hello, feel free to drop me a line so I can thank you properly.

I'm off to turn on my tree lights and listen to some holiday music.

Holiday Spirit

I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit here.  Today, I didn't get out of my pajamas but I decorated my house.  It looks like Christmas threw up in my living room.   I call it progress in my grieving process.

Lights over my doorways, windows, tree lighted and hung with a mishmash of ornaments.  Pandora.com on my laptop playing John Denver's Rocky Mountain Christmas and Amy Grant's Tennessee Christmas. 

 

Fir tree and Cinnamon scent candles light with abandon.  I had bought my Mom these Willow Tree ornaments, so I've borrowed them for my holiday tree this year.

Can you tell I'm desperate to change my mood?

For dessert, I made some Cinnamon-protein Banana Soft Serve Ice Cream.  Yummm!  I can't get enough of cinnamon, and I can convince myself that it is a somewhat healthy dessert since it's made only of fruit and protein. 

Just pulse frozen bananas, a tablespoon of cinnamon, and a scoop of plain protein powder for this deliciousness.

Hope you're having a good Wednesday!

You Are So Beautiful

You are so beautiful, Mom.
We sent you off on Friday to your final resting place.  I didn't want to leave you there, all alone.
I hope you know that I think about you every other second of every day.  I wish that I had more time with you Mom. I'm eating baby food (literally) as a remembrance of you for today's lunch.  We would share some when I was little and not feeling well.  I am not well, but trying to push on.

Friday was Mom's funeral.  It was sad and beautiful and heartwarming all in one.  So many friends near and far, new and old came to say goodbye.  Somehow my brother and I both managed to speak, my brother giving her an amazing eulogy, and I pushed my way through Psalm 57.  I almost lost it a few times, but for her I would do anything.

I'm eating little and wanting to sleep lots, but school is wrapping up for the semester at the same time.  So, I am holding it all in as best I can, and pushing through to hopefully finish my classes this semester.  I can't wait until the 21st, when I know I will crash and finally be truly able to grieve.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, and of course your patience.  I hope to be able to be back to myself to soon.  In the meantime, if any of you have a book on grief that you would recommend, I would appreciate any suggestions.

I missed you the first moment you left

Tomorrow I will bury my mother.  It is unbelievable, and yet somehow, I am ready.  We have been prepping for the service & reception all week, and at this point I need to step back and let her go.  I spent the past few days looking through photo albums, finding very old photos of her, of us as a family, and creating new albums for the memorial.  She was an amazingly beautiful woman.  I always thought she looked like a young Grace Kelly.  Gorgeous porcelain skin, high cheekbones.  I'll post a photo later after the service.  I have her ashes in my dining room right now, amongst the photo albums and boxes of her photography.  I picked out a card to write her tonight at CVS, and it is probably the last one I will buy her.  It is a photo of a little girl with a phone in her hand.  I almost started crying in the aisle.  I will always want to call her to check on her, to share good news or a new recipe.  This experience has been one of the hardest I have ever gone through, from the actual process of death to the planning and arrangements and coordination that have to take place.  I am ready for a rest.  Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found her on the floor, and a rest is in order.  Please send good vibes tomorrow.  I can use all the help I can get.